The End..

Dear readers, to who ever it may concern,
Thank you so much for visiting this blog..

Its 2011 now, 4 years since I deleted the old contents in my blog,
and restarted my archive of memories..

From the start till now, its been a rather bumpy ride, but yet an enriching one,
as I see myself growing up and learning more about myself and the world..

The ups and downs in my life, are surely, and definitely a part of me..
Its my memories, my experiences, my life lessons..

And as much as I cherish such memories, its time I move on..
The time has come for me, to let my past go, and embrace my future..

My past, is supposed to educate me, and give me the knowledge I need, to wield my future..

It is not supposed to be my chains, that hold me back in a prison, I built around my heart..

As such, I'm thankful, for my wonderful friends that have been my pillar of support, you guys know more about me than I do myself..

I'm also thankful, for my parents and families, for bringing me up and giving me the freedom to let me walk my own path.. You son, I, might have strayed from the right path, time to time.. But I'm glad you didn't let a short detour hindered your trust for me..

To all my ex, which some of you I hate, some of you I'm sorry towards, some of you I don't have anything for you, but then again, I'm thankful for the relationship we shared.. Because it is with you girls, that I was able to experience what it feels like to be in a relationship.. What it feels like to be responsible as a man.. What it feels like, to have to think about someone else, to cry for someone else, to miss someone else.. Be it bad or good memories, I would take them with me, as life experience.. But understand that it does not means I'm ready to be friends with you all.. If I didn't contact you at all to try and be friends again, it means I don't want to be friends.. So please just let me move on and we should just be leading our own lives.. No offense there.. But I meant what I said..

To those other special people in my life, like the really close friends that I share everything about with.. And to those few girls that helped me step out slowly from my last relationship and accepting my mistake for who I'm.. I would be lying to say I'm not feeling indignant about it, because if I did, then it means I didn't really have feelings for you all.. But as much as I'm feeling that little bit of regret, I know its better that we remain as friends because after all, I realized my world is really different from everyone else..

I was dumb, I was stupid, but I grew up, and I matured..
And this was my life, and everything I did..
I might be break my chains but I'm gonna take them with me..

Thanks again for reading all the way down,
this is MxFate, signing off for the very last time in this blog..
And so I'm off..

Just so you know

Been out with my sec school friends for a whole day on sat..
Went to barrage to fly kites, and then marina square for dinner and cake..
And shopping, for me and gx gift..

Though it rained a little here and there,
I guess it didnt really damper my mood..
Since its was raining inside too..

And although it was raining both inside out,
I tried to enjoy myself a little..
But sometimes, I just don't feel like being an actor..

Anyway, I'm really grateful for spending the day out with me,
grateful for the lunch, the gift and the cake as well..
Thanks all who were there..

And for those who are wondering wad song I was listening all this while,
this is the song that was being put on repeat..
over and over again:

Jesse McCartney: Just So You Know
I shouldn't love you but I want to
I just can't turn away
I shouldn't see you but I can't move
I can't look away

I shouldn't love you but I want to
I just can't turn away
I shouldn't see you but I can't move
I can't look away

And I don't know
How to be fine when I'm not
'Cause I don't know
How to make a feeling stop

Just so you know
This feeling's takin' control
Of me and I can't help it
I won't sit around
I can't let him win now

Thought you should know
I've tried my best to let go
Of you but I don't want to
I just gotta say it all before I go
Just so you know

It's gettin' hard to be around you
There's so much I can't say
Do you want me to hide the feelings
And look the other away

And I don't know
How to be fine when I'm not
'Cause I don't know
How to make a feeling stop

Just so you know
This feeling's takin' control
Of me and I can't help it
I won't sit around
I can't let him win now

Thought you should know
I've tried my best to let go
Of you but I don't want to
I just gotta say it all before I go
Just so you know

This emptiness is killin' me
And I'm wonderin' why I've waited so long
Lookin' back I realize it was always there
Just never spoken

I'm waitin' here
Been waitin' here

Just so you know
This feeling's takin' control
Of me and I can't help it
I won't sit around
I can't let him win now

Thought you should know
I've tried my best to let go
Of you but I don't want to
Just gotta say it all before I go
Just so you know, just so you know

Thought you should know
I've tried my best to let go
Of you but I don't want to
Just gotta say it all before I go
Just so you know, just so you know

Just in case I forget

THANKS EVERYONE WHO WISHED ME A HAPPY BIRTHDAY! JUST IN CASE I MISSED IT OR SOMETHING.. I JUST WANNA SAY i'M GRATEFUL AND THANKFUL! =D

I post this on twitter as well.. Just in case I accidentally missed out any names, I wanna let you know it wasnt intentional, and that I'm really still grateful and thankful..

Had a great day today, finished my fyp presentation smoothly,
and had a great shopping time and dinner at sakae with polyfriends..
They didnt bought me a gift so they ended up paying for a cake and the meal..
Honestly, for this year,
receiving a present or not doesnt really matters..
I only have one wish..
And its not something they can grant me..
But at least, by spending time with me,
they keep me occupied and away from thinking too much..

Thanks to you guys once again..

In the end..

My wish would be denied.. This feeling of emptiness.. When is it going to be filled up..

I wish

that she would be there on sat..

but I'm hoping she won't get to read this.. because it might just make her more stress..

I'm not gonna ask her too.. I'm just gonna leave it to fate..

But I'm not gonna stop wishing, that she would be there on sat..
Thats the only wish I have for this year January 28th..

Had a busy, busy week, rushing for my fyp report and presentation slides..
But in the end, there's just some stuff I can't stop thinking about..

Am I always such a deep thinker.. And can I only remain as a dreamer?
After all, nothing's changed for me..

Anyway, presentation is gonna start in less than 24 hours time..
Yet my slides doesn't seems to be ready yet..
But rest assured, I'll get it done, and deliver my best speech tomorrow..

Well, other than fyp presentation, and sat, there aren't much to look forward to..
Oh, maybe dinner with my poly friends tomorrow?
Hmmm.. At least I wont be spending it alone..

This is MxFate, once-in-a-while-blogger, signing off for the first time at age 20..

Determination, Commitment..

I'm not looking back again..

And I have decided that if I want to achieve something,
I have to change my mindset first..
I won't worry so much anymore,
and I'll put more of my thoughts in to action..

Gradation is a month away,
I'm going complete it,
and with it I'll aim for my best poly results ever..
So that I would have a greater change of going UNI..

Love came and pass by my door step,
but I'm gonna let it leave just like that..
I know you are unsure of yourself,
You might think its just a crush..
But for me, its definitely not..

We will remain as friends for now,
And I'm going to continue working hard in life..
So that one day, I can prove my worth to you,
and with it my love..

This is my determination.. I hope you wont feel stressed out by it..
I'm still waiting to see you get you second class honors!!

A goal to work towards..

A simple walk at night

Scroll down for what I almost wanted to post, until my dad send me on a simple errand to deliver some fruits to our friends, living next block. I left the house with a heavy heart.. But I returned, with a smile.. Because I saw that I gave someone else a smile.. Just by me bringing some fruits over.. Some how, it gave me the energy and assurance to know that I can go on..

Initially, I though it was hassle.. I had so much work to complete.. In so little time left..

I have so much to think about.. Yet so little that I could do..

Everything good that happen at the start of this year, seems to turn bad within days..

I know not how to react.. And I sink back to the part of me, that only seems to rely on myself.. that seems to constantly remind myself to stay strong.. that seems to keep telling myself I can go on.. that seems to keep telling myself that I shouldn't be sad, because there are sadder people out there, because my situation isn't worth being sad for..

But a part of me, keep screaming out.. Why? Why can't you be sad? Why can't you tell the world you are sad? Why must you force yourself to think that everything happens for a reason and that you should move on with life even if something bad happen, just because you know its not something you can change.. Why must you force yourself to think maturely? And take in all the unlucky things that happen to you as part and parcel of life?

And then I always answer myself at this point.. Because, it is part and parcel of life.. And then I sink back.. Fully aware that there's nothing I could do, to change fate.. Fully aware that even if I whined and complained, nothing's going to change.. Because I know fully, that the world continues moving, even if I don't..

I thought that one day, I'm just going to stop.. And just let the world continue moving on.. For all I care.. But then I see that smile.. And then I realize, I just need to smile too.. I just need someone to tell me that its okay, if you're tired, I'll share a little energy with you, and lets carry on in this race call life.. And then I gain strength.. What I'm thinking about now, can wait.. What I should forget now, should go.. What I need to focus on now, should be done..

Life is a pain in the ass, I know.. Then sit on a cushion then..

I hope that makes someone smile, and carry on with their life=D Cheers..

Almost became my post:

"for how long more.. can I tell myself, can I ask myself, can I force myself..

to stay strong..

I know not..

With so much happening, in such a short time..

My emotions don't even have time to react."

I guess I haven't really explain why I'm so emo.. Well, for one, my officer, who just told me days ago that the school is offering me an opportunity to go Outward Bound Taiwan, just told me a few days later that the director cancelled it.. Well.. I guess wont feel so sad.. If I didn't have it in the first place.. I guess this is the kind of feeling I'm feeling now.. Everything seems to be like that for me.. Am I not cherishing what I have now? so much so that god needa let me experience such a feeling to remind me? I guess I'm thinking too much.. Maybe I'm just too preoccupied with work.. FYP.. Almost at the end of this lap of the race.. I guess I will just keep going..

p.s sorry for the disorganized thoughts.. there's some stuff I stuff I wanna say, but I cant directly convey.. I dont wanna risk anything.. but I don't wanna keep quite all the way too.. This seems to be my only source of venting out my thoughts.. so ya, its okay if you dont understand.. this is me afterall..

p.p.s This is MxFate, the-once-in-a-while-blogger, signing off.. cheers everyone..

Its been a while..

Yea, its truly been a while.. The last time I posted was October 28th.. And the last time I checked in was 7th December.. Both in 2010.. So thats considered last year.. I didn't check in on new year day, nor on the eve, and on Christmas and its eve as well.. I guess I was just busy.. And things were just flying by me so fast.. I didn't even have time to recollect my thoughts and log them down.. Anyway, lets just start with the brief updates of my life (the most boring part)..

School: Well, nothing much to say about school now.. Same old pattern, nothing's changed.. Still rushing for work till the last minutes.. or even seconds.. FYP is gonna be due pretty soon.. First the report, then the presentation.. Honestly, I don't really care anymore.. I just wanna get it done and over with already.. Same goes for all the other assignment.. Not like working hard now at this moment is gonna improve my grades by a lot.. Tsk.. Just hope to graduate peacefully and get a move on..

SPA: Well, since I'm nearing my graduation date, of course I'm nearing the end of my term as President too.. Honestly, it hasn't really been a great year.. I feel like I could have done more but didn't. I feel like I didn't improve the club at all.. I feel like.. I didn't do my job well.. But whatever the reason, I'm grateful.. Because at the end of the 3 years, after we leave, the club will leave a stronger impression on us that we will on them.. And the lessons and experience we take away, is something we can't have it else where.. I love my time here.. And I would say its one of my best time in poly.. Cheers.. Cya peeps at GC, the last final camp for this year upgraders..

Shadows: Tsk, many things happen within us.. But I would first like to start by apologizing.. I've spent too much time playing.. so much so that work has finally caught up to me.. And as such, I haven't been able to play soccer as much as I would like to.. Well, I guess I would make it all up for it after graduation.. Nothing else in my brain now but graduation.. And then there is Daryl.. Well, I hope you take it easy man.. I know its hard.. So I won't say much.. and then there is the other one, I would rather not say it until its confirmed.. But I'm honestly, wishing from the bottom of my heart that you guys turn out well.. Like seriously.. And for Alan and WeiYing, I know not the happenings.. But I wish you guys happiness too.. Less squabble, and make more loving memories =D

I speak like I'm leaving for some where far like that.. LOL..

NS: Anyway, my enlistment letter hasn't arrived.. And as mentioned in the earlier post, I got a Gold award.. (Finally) Also, I went for the medical checkup and got a Pes A.. Well, I aint hoping for anything much.. Just wanna go in then and rough up a bit.. Just hope that my body can take it.. =D

Further education: Well, currently the plans goes: 1st, take a degree in sociology/social work/psychology.. Depending on how far I wanna stretch myself, and how far my grades could bring me.. But I'm not stopping there, after my degree, I'm going to go NIE and apply for teacher.. And then take a bond for another 6 years... Thats basically how I'm going to spend the next 10-20 years of my education life..

Future life: Well, education is only gonna make a part of it.. Because the focus, will still be on my religion.. As promised.. I set out, 1-2 years ago with this plan.. I finished the better part of the deal, and pretty soon, I'm going to have to serve the more bitter part of the deal.. But thats okay, there's nothing bitter about it.. So long as I still believe that I'm doing the right thing.. I guess I would still be able to take it.. But then again, I'm going to throw away adventure.. Its gonna be an integral part of my life.. There are still places, I would like to go.. Island hoping in a kayak, natural climbing at great places, mountain hiking and if time allows, maybe some Ice climbing too.. I don't know.. I just wanna go out, and see the world.. Singapore is just so small.. And no matter how great we are in Singapore, we're still in our own world.. Like the frog in the well.. I don't wanna live like the frog.. Anyway, the for the early part of my adulthood.. More education, work a little, provide more service at my religion side, and then adventure more!

Love: Well.. I wanna avoid this part cause even though I know my blog is not a big hit, I still know that people who knows me still come and check in once in a while.. Anyway, its not like I'm taking a big step.. Its not like there's this girl that I would love with all my life.. Although I do admit.. there's someone that I've been thinking of more oftenly.. But along with thinking about her, I think about alot more, as usual.. Honestly, I don't mind going all out to win a girl heart.. But the problem is with what comes after.. After putting in so much effort, in the end, will my effort by worth it? I once though that love would conquer all, but that foolish thought has long since vanquished.. I guess, being a vegetarian makes me special, and it takes alot to love a special person.. My thoughts are disorganized now.. I know I long for support.. For will my moment of weakness caused me yet another heartbreak and friendship? I know not.. God.. Give me the answer.. As much as I'm prepared to give up for this girl, can she at least try to live the life of a vegetarian, along side me.. Urgh.. I'm really hoping she won't get to read this.. yet..

Anyway, I'm gonna end the post here now.. Time, to grab some sleep.. Nitez world.. This is Mxfate, once again being played around by fate, the-once-in-a-while-blogger, signing off.. Cheers..

Thinking About Life..

Okay, before I move on to the title topic, lets provide a little update on my life..

First up is school.. I'm officially entering the last day, of the second week in a few minutes..

Lesson is pretty much fine up till now, should be manageable..

Its the projects that are killers.. FYP and PDPE..

Also, practicals are gonna start soon and so, reports are gonna stream in..

Well, its my last final sem, I just hope to pass without any glitch..

Thats my target..

Okay, next up is 3 star assessment on the 24th of October, 2010..

Well, its been a long journey, but its definitely not the end..

Many have thought I would reach this check point earlier,

but I'm really sorry to say, everyone just have different priorities..

Anyway, what matters most is I'm here now, and I'm definitely gonna move on..

L1 coach up next.. Gonna save up and pay 1 last time for a course..

Before money's gonna start streaming in..

After all, I've been trying to survive without income for more than half a year now..

And its really hard.. Consider I've so much expedition and courses to take..

Plus now I'm aiming to go Thailand and Austrilia. Hola!!

Okay, other than passing my 3 star assessment,

I also took my NAPFA and receive my first ever Gold Award..

I don't care what others people thing and say,

I just wanna say I'm god dammed happy because I finally got a gold award..

You don't know how much it means to someone who have never receive it..

Just because he was always short of a few cm in standing board jump..

Although this year the you could say the person cheated a little for me,

I knew jolly well I coulda jump well over 232cm.. Thats not a lie..

Anyway, I got my Gold, and my Crumpler pouch.. Thats all that matters!

Anyway, recently a close friend of mine brought me some really interesting news,

and although I would really like to say/do something to help,

I still think that letting nature takes its course would be for the best..

For those who think they know wad I'm refering to, and you think its you, and you think you might wanna talk to me to clarify anything or ask for advice or just to talk or anything, you know I'm always on.. Hoho.. Hope I got this hidden message across.. And hope its not too direct..

Anyway, all the best.. You have my support..

Okay, with updates done, lets move on to my own life.. This has really become a long post..

Basically, I've been thinking much about what I wanna do..

Maybe I shoulda done it earlier, but as I've said, we all have our own priorities..

I chose not to plan early ahead because I rather use that time to play then..

Those past 19 years werent live in vain because I know,

I've definitely played to my fullest.. That was my priorities..

For now, I need a plan for ny future.. Not just one, but a few, just in case..

For starters, I'm trying to start to be active in WV now,

because I know this is a lifestyle I'm not gonna discard..

Kayaking has been one of the only few sports, that I've managed to stay interested in..

But I need think bigger, about what I wanna do..

I've thought about going to uni.. But for starters, I'm neither interested in Business (at all) and Sciences (complex) now.. I might seems like I could be a Science guy when I was in pri and sec school, but its getting really difficult for me to stay interested in Science.. I rather do something more practical.. Something like Social Work.. Ha! Look at all your damm faces.. That shock and astonish faces.. Well, its not like I'm being random or anything but, I AM, really interested in Social Work.. Particularly in helping small kids who faces family problems.. I just wanna give them a chance, to experience childhood, the ordinary way.. But thats just something I thought I wanna do, so I cant really be sure yet..

Next up, through a friend who was trying to convince me to go uni, he told me that I could trying getting into NIE so I could be a PE teacher.. It didnt really cross my mind back then but recently, I've been giving it more thoughts.. As a PE teacher, I can learn skills to teach more effectively.. This would definitely helps in my coaching career in kayaking.. And further more, I can help spread this sports to more youngster, expending this community.. And even best, I just have to study hard so as to not drop out, and I will be receiving money while studying.. Aint that great? Previously, I was really against the idea of going into uni because I thought I wasn't interested in studies anymore, and that I dont really have that kinda money.. But this definitely solves the money problem, and it gives me a chance, to discover if I still wanna study, or not.. With my first step into uni through NIE, I might reconsider my decision, and further my studies, heading for a masters or something..

Well, both ideas seems really okay but I havent really decided yet.. In the end, I've decided I will save up capital and in the end, switch to a full time coach or open up a small eatery, or both.. Being a chef was one of my dreams and if I could successfully open my own eatery, I would be both a chef and a boss.. Its still kinda still a dream now but this serves as a pretty good target for now.. At least now I know for the next 30 years of my life, I know what to aim for.. Anyway, relationship is the least of my concern now.. Since I cant seems to get those I like, and there's no one who like me, just let me stay single for a while longer bah.. Maybe my Miss right will appear soon.. hoho..

Well, this pretty sums up wad I've been thinking about my life.. But regardless, I still hav 2 years to think though carefully while in there.. Maybe I might just change what I wanna do.. But thats all future tense.. For now, lets let MxFate, the-once-in-a-while-blogger sign off, and grab some sleep.. Hola! Nitez!!