July 9 - July 28 2009

Almost 20 days.. Finally decided I will come and post some thing..
Well, its same as usual, its not like nothing happened so I didnt post..
I just didnt felt like sharing.. haha..
Oh well, although I'm here to post now,
it also doesnt means that much have happened..
Confusing right? haha.. oh well, thats how life is..
Anyway, lets just briefly describe what happened over this few days..

I remember I was sick for most part..
So all I did was rest, sleep and eat that is..
Well, normally people would be quite happy with doing nothing but slack..
But to slack at this period of time would mean hell..
Because poly fifty is tomorrow..
And I will be dead meat when the time comes..
Because my body is already at the worst possible form..
No training, all slacking just one week before poly fifty..
Oh man, what could get worse..

Other than that, I skipped sat kayaking sports elective..
Sick of teaching people who don't listen to instruction,
sick of teaching people who are really interested in learning..
Or maybe its just me..
I think I sucks at teaching.. But what to do..
Its part of our duty.. Oh well..
At least its kayaking, something I like..

Gaming, been playing dota as usual..
Still very noob as usual.. I don't really care though..
Also addicted to the psp game monster hunter now..
Been playing it with friends alot..
Oh well, lets hope I don get so addicted that I don study..

Soccer, same as usual, every sat evening..
1st sat: one of my most tiring session..
running around the court with mucus in the nose and fever raging..
Just when I thought it couldn't be worse, it rained..
okay, now its making the fever worse.. lol..
oh well, I called for timeout and then sat under the void deck to get some rest..
went in again after the rain slowed down for some shoot out..
stupid illness. stupid fever.
2nd sat: post recovery stage..
running around the court with mucus flowing out of the nose all the time.. lol..
at least there was no fever.. So I don't feel so bad..
But I was grasping for air.. Stamina quite low then..
And there was only 5 of us.. So we were like playing 2 - 3.
Thats makes the 2 person on one team damm tired..
But I guess its just our own lack of ability..
Oh well, skills level dropped again..
Maybe its post recovery stage.. Lets hope I get back to peak form or better.

Studies..
Bunch of craps which I dont remember..
Oh ya, did badly for 2 experiment..
Fluid mech, not enough preparation for the slides presentation..
Scored low..
Chemical reaction engineering, not enough time to discuss the practical.
Scored low..
Plant design simulation,
Scored low..
Fuck.. what am I scoring good nowadays..
Oh well, how I wish I could remain in sec school life..
Where there was totally no stress in studies at all..
Alas, time dont reverse, good thing don stay long..
Well, lets just hope I survive this poly life, and get this fucking diploma, putting an end to school life for good..
.period.

SPA
oh well, also nothing much to post.. have been quite inactive this few days..
lets hope I get my form back bah..
and I more thing, I think I will be missing out of kinabalu..
Since my mom dont allow me..
1. She's my mom, I gotta listen to her after all..
2. I just lost my only sponsor. No $ = No trekking..

oh well, I should be feeling sad, feeling disappointed..
But this is not the first time shit happens,
so I think I'm kinda use to it..
At least I have took this days to think through alot of stuffs..
Sometime, you know you have to let go of a certain kinda lifestyle,
when it aint suitable for you..
Maybe I just haven find the place I really belong to..
And although I desperately need to find one now,
there is no point rushing.. It wont just appear like that..
I guess maybe its time for me to move on with life..
I could still do what I'm doing now..
But I guess my commitment just wont be as strong as others..
And I guess I wont stay with this lifestyle forever..
After all, my family is in the business of saving the souls of hummanity all over the world..
Maybe I should just stick to that holy business..
.life sucks.

Phew, back after a long time.. Or maybe just a few days..

First thing first, tags replies..

-Veronica- "Yo, you don't have to say anything.. I'm grateful.. Thanks for encouraging me.. =D"
-ShiHui- "LoL, there is no life that I 'want'.. I don't really have any grand plan for life.. Thanks for encouraging me though.. I wont try to change anything, but myself.. =D"
-YK- "haha, ah mei.. I know life's short.. But sometimes, the path each man choose to walk down leads to different destination.. My path is just much more bumby.. But I will still try to stay happy de.. Cheers =D"
-Aida- "Ehhh, you think you saw me? haha, don't think le, it must be your luck to see me.. LOL.. Anyway, thanks for encouraging me =D"
-Kesie- "Yo, thanks for being a good listening ear.. You may be someone I don't know, some unknown person connected to me only via the Internet.. But you have been a friend to me.. I'm really grateful.. At least I get to tell someone something.. Maybe its precisely because you are someone I don't know, it makes it easier for me to open up.. hmm.. anyway, thanks for being here.. Cheers =D"
-Cassie- "Haha, your name like my that online friend.. Anyway, thansk for encouraging me.. I will definitely walk out of any downturns in my life by myself de =D Cheers"

Okay, thats it for the tags replies I guess.. Move on to this week..
I ended my last post on sunday.. One of my worse sunday ever..
I ended up feeling how I felt then, but I guess, I aint that kind that stays that way forever..
I move on much faster than I expected.. Much faster than I want..
Maybe its because I don't have a good memory..
And I have a tendancy to forget stuff just like that..
But sometimes, some things just can't be erased.. Things that are imprinted in me..

Anyway, this whole week have been tiring..
Not because I have lots of stuffs to do..
But because my mind refuses to let my body rest..
I feel tired.. I feel sick.. I heard my body telling my brain to stop..
But I can't.. I needa keep doing stuff to distract myself..
Stuff that are lame and time wasting..
Maybe its just my way of running.. The best solution I always turn to..
It kinda sux.. But there aint a better choice for me..

Oh well, to sum it up, I attended lessons as per normal,
sleep through and played through as per normal..
attended traning as per normal..
played dota and read manga till late night..
sleep as little as possible..

well, upcoming sat, steam boat at my hse..
lets hope the spa peeps enjoy..
cheers.. nitez..

So it has begin..
Devastion, lost, helplessness, pain, agnony, despair..
And eventually, insanity..

I hate it..
Hate being in this state..
Hate needing to pull myself together..
Hate forcing myself to be strong..
Hate, having no one to call out to..

I don't know why..
No matter how much my mind forces my body..
Eventually, my heart will take over..
This weak heart that desire support..

I cant take it anymore..

Fucked up eye infection and a cruel reality..
What more must I be put through..
Before I finally break down..
I down want to know..
I down want to break down..

someone help me..

I'm once again holding on to the last line of support..
I don't want the support to be the one to push me down the cliff..
Like it what happened then..

I..

forget it.. just let me be..
i cant understand myself either..

-2nd July-
I dont know what I'm doing anymore..
People lose sight of their goals in life,
and deviate from the path they were taking..

I'm different..
I started out with no goals in life,
I don't deviate..
But at the same time,
I wont end up anywhere..

Been taking long walks nowadays...
I don't know why..
Just feel like wasting these extra time away..

Man I going crazy..
So crazy that if u pry open my brain right now, you'll see:
DFSGJHU#$%^YTHGWERTYUI52OLKJ0HG12FDS52D68FGB5NMN8BVCX54ERTJ6HG!

I feel like screamming out loud, but that doesnt help..
I feel like punching something, but that doesnt help..
What I need, is something I cannot get..
Or I should I say, something I deny myself from..

Two more paper coming up...
But I cant concentrate..

Disorientated.. Inorganized.. Undisciplined.. Useless..

-1st July-
Took my Plant safey paper..
Should be able to pass..
Wasted my afternoon away..
Did some conditioning..
A little rock climb..
Lethargic..
Walked home from gombak..
What else can I do..

- - - - -
I dont want to ruin what little that I have..
But should I just tell you I love you..
At least, I have one thing less to ponder about..
One thing less to worry about..
But these three words,
aint coming out that easily..

I cant let insanity consume me once more..
I dont want to walk back into that state..

-1st July-

Havin my third paper later on..
Plant Safety and Loss Prevention
Well, I did some last min reading,
plus some common sense,
plus some little information I may heard in class,
lets hope I pass this paper..
cheers..

Later maybe going AF to study,
well, always said that but ended up not going dere..
maybe its still a little too far for comfort..
oh well, don care now.. worry later..

-30th June-
Took my second paper, Bioanalytics..
Lets hope I pass it as well..
Not a bad paper, but I didnt really study,
so I cant expect much..
Oh well.. its only 10%..
Not like it really matters...
Great day..

- - - - -

If we were to measure the words we could have said in our life, in terms of how long a queue it would form, I guess mine would be a bunch of similar people lining up for the same stall, wanting to order the same thing.. Alas.. The people can only queue, becaus they don't have what it takes to pay...

-tags replies-

mx-shihui: haha.. then i guess we'll have to wait ba.. maybe for a major holidays or something.. After the JC ppl A level would be a good time i guess..

-29th June-
Woke up at ten, and started studying..
Eat a bit, drank some coffee, did alot practice..
Finish 2 months worth of lesson within the few hours I had..
Think I should be able to past..
Thats all I ever wish for..
Great, at least let me complete my diploma,
so that I can answer to my paresnts..
If not, I don really know why I'm studying anymore..
Loadsa crap..

Chance among this chain email once again..
Read through it once again, and realise that it does quite make sense..
At least some of it does..

38 things about guys

4. Guys will do anything just to get you to notice him.

10. Girls are guys' weaknesses.

12. If a guy tells you about his problems, he just needs someone to listen to him. You don't need to give advice.

13. A usual act that proves that the guy likes you is when he teases you.

20. If a guy looks unusually calm and laid back, he's probably faking it and is spazzing inside.

25. When a guy looks at you for longer than a second, he's definitely thinking something.

26. A guy has more problems than you can see with your naked eyes.

30. A guy would give his right nut to be able to read a girl's mind for a day.

36. Guys love neck rubs and if he lets you keep doing it ..it means that he really likes you or his neck really hurts.

Thats all for tonight.. Alas..
Sad life I'm leading-Undeniable..
Sad path the world is heading to-Unstoppable..
Sad choice every other human is taking-Unbelievable..
Sad rage of God upon us-Understandable
Sad ness deep within me-Unremovable..

What more is left for this world, if we seek to head towards destruction.. I am but One man..
What else can I do, if I cant even convince those who are beside me.. Forget about the world..
What can I try.. To change this ill fated world.. Only time will tell..

-tags replies-

mx-ben: haha, its okay.. I'm fine man.. thanks for caring..
mx-shihui: haha.. of course I know I still have you all =D so when's the badminton going to be held? Still waiting sia.. haha..

-27th June-
Last Sike Assessment..
Same as usual, passed everyone who came..
I know its kinda pointless, but you know,
I still think it fits what I set out to do perfectly well..
At least now I've let them know what to expect..
I've taught them practical skills for the expedition..
But handling freshies, are really a tough job..
Exp for someone as intolerable as me..
Someone as kao bei, as xia lan as me..

Simple.. There are actually some kinda freshies I don really like..
And I hope they would either leave, and do us a favor,
or change for the better, which would be good as well..
1) Those that aint humble, I don really fucking care if you got 1 star, 2 star or 3 star kayaking.. I don mind if you have none.. But please, if you're gonna come and be trained, don be an ass and try to show off.. If it aint for those more interest freshies, I would have flared up in front of everyone.. Leave if you think you're greater than us.. I dont fucking care..
2) Don't be a nuisance. I dont like answering lame qns, I dont really have the effort to care, I dont really have the time to entertain.. So please, if you can go figure out stuff by yourself if you can.. Like please don sms me this sorta stuff: hi, is there training tml? I wont fucking reply.. Look at the goddam blog.. I will entertain qns during training.. And only those related.. Don come asking me, hey are we gonna have lunch later during training, hey wad we doing later.. I dont fucking plan.. I teach wad i teach, take it or leave it. Lunch or not, I like it, we have it. I don like it, we dont have it. Simple.
3) Don't show me attitute.. I dont care how big size you are, I don care how popular you are.. Fucking piss me off and say goodbye to pm, forever.. I dont ever wanna see your face..
4) I also dont like ppl who get all friendly over me.. I restrict my social circle tightly.. Dont act like you're some long lost fren.. I dont frigging care..
*okay.. i think i better don say anymore.. basically, i just want the freshies to be a little bit more auto.. don do kp stuff, be a little humble.. in this way, we can all be happy...
**aint gonna mention who, so if you come asking, prepare to get fucked..

Had a new kinda training style..
During the teaching of skills, I sent other ppl to teach..
Then I actually got off my kayak,
went up and the RSYC jetty and monitored from higher grounds..
Seems like a better idea..
Allows me to supervise the whole thing better,
and also provide a chance for interation between the other coms and freshies..
Things went quite well, though we didnt went break water..
Spliting headache that day, but still pulled throuhg..

Soccer at night.. Played with Kenneth, SiHao and Kit Chan i think..
Don know how to spell their names..
Suprsingly, alan wasnt free today...
But well, life has to go on..
Did quite badly, injured ankle, injured knee..
Sucks..
Had supper after soccer..
Instant bowl noodles and... PEANUTS!!
haha.. my best...
Went home, bath, and rested..

-28th June-
Slack at home whole day.. Didnt do much, but at least I was happy..
Ending off here.. Cuz really not much to say.. =D
Nitez everyone..

-22nd June-
First Poly fifty training
Did some track related exercise.. Working mainly on stamina and leg muscles.. Still okay for me.. Although could see that both shi ni and sam quite lost, like didnt really know how to bring they idea accross.. LoL..

Went malaysia after that.. Suckiest experience of a life time.. Marks the foul mood period and deep thinking period which lasted for a while.. Jia yao got ask me wad happened, then I keep telling him later.. Ended up he left earlier.. Guess I must as well spill the beans here and tell everyone, at least those reading my lame post..

I must bring in something one of the spa guys said: "I may not stay with this club for long because everyone is only thinking about themselves, if we don't fight for own needs, people wont care" And I remember my reply was something like: " Well, this may not be the case, you have to look at things for a different perspective.." Then, I thought I knew everyone.. But I'm starting to doubt my own words, and I really hated it.. All just because of a small tiny incidet.. Only yao sheng could comprehend, cause he was with me.. This wasnt the first time something similar happened, and its the second time the exact same thing happened.. :

After training, we bath, went back clubhse.. The girls bathed and went FC5.. So they called us and we left for FC 5. Jia yao left first. Then Me and Saw Left. Leaving Chow and Lard.. So me and saw happily walked towards FC5. I went in and started looking around like an idiot for my frens who were suppose to meet me dere.. Some fren they were I realise, they werent dere.. Then I recalled, the first time it happened, I walked around FC5 like an idiot..Sms a few person asking where they were, before I got a call 5 min later telling me they got tired of waiting and left for mrt station already.. Great.. First time, so I thought it was a small matter.. But this time round, I didnt even borther to search, headed straight away to the exit and started calling jia yao.. Just as I expected, they got tired of waiting again.. Great.. Only yao sheng saw how fucked I looked like.. Been trying to control my temper recently, but that just sparked my off.. Sometimes I wonder wads the meaning of staying when I keep kena "put aeroplane". It was then that I recalled the another similar incident when I "flip face" with some of us over the handover meeting.. I dont know, it seems that only I have such problems.. Maybe I expect too much from a normal fren.. But I wonder, are we only limited to be normal fren? I thought we went through though training camps tgt, I thought we went through life threatening expedition tgt, I thought we were good frens.. I guess I thought wrongly.. And I just got pissed off that day..

Maybe its jus me... This sucks..
Back to the happening of the day, we went to malaysia, had lunch at secret recipe.. Sucks. Expensive. Bland. Insufficient. Came out broke and hungry.. WTF.. Then they wanted to watch movie.. I was penniless, ended up havin yu tai treat me.. Maybe its time I stopped following them around like I want to.. Thats when I thought, I am too much a burden.. So much so that I'm starting to hate my own position.. I am a troublesome guy, because everyone have to give in to me when finding food. I am a troublesome guy, because I dont have money to do things everyone wanna do.. What else and I good for when going out.. Nothing.. I guess its time I stop trying to fit in.. I just cant..

The happenings on this day, left me depressed.. And set me into thinking mode for a while.. Then I thought about someone else, and decided that I will fully let go.. Its not within my power to ponder over love anymore.. Run away.. Its all that I can think off.. For a loser.. There aint a better choice..

-23rd June-
Blank mode.. Slack at home, not being able to do anything..
Totally no mood at all..
But no mood still have to work,
because no money..
Ended the day with nothing much for memory..
Ah, the bunch of rich ppl left for LTC..
I wanna go as well..
But I'm glad I didnt lose to desire..
One have to make a hard decision,
for a better future..

-24th June-
Second Sike Assessment
Just realised how much of a fucked up I really am..
Passed people anyhow..
Teach anyhow..
Almost got everyone killed..
Man, totally lost it already...
Blank state still in play.. Got me too distracted..
Cursed it all..

-25th June-
Fucked up day as well..
Woke up late, supposed to me yutai they all for eye check.
Went to lrt station, card no money, bank no money, I no cash..
Went home to borrow from my bro so as to top up my card..
Wad kinda older brother am I.. A fucked up one..
Reached school, meet them, then went to eye center..
Great, they not open for business..
We didnt get to do eye check,
so we decide to postpone the theory for ppcdl.. Shacks..
How long izzit gonna take..
I dont know, I dont care.. No money anyway..
Stayed in school played com and psp...
Tried to study to no avail..
Went pool training.. Me Yutai and Lard..
Followed them for supper, doing nothing..
Went home KO'ed immediately..

-26th June-
Second Poly fifty training
Static exercise training core muscle, lead by lard..
Then had lunch, at FC3, i was eating my own packed lunch..
It contains, Protein, fats, fibre, carbo..
Totally dont know what kinda crap I'm eating,
Just know what kinda nutrients there are...
Shacks.. Went clubhse slack a while. Play psp..
Jun Feng Wen Yi come, I went home, sleep..
Wake up then go work..
Came home, eat dinner, use comp until now.. LoL.. Finishing the post..

Still in blank state.. But I've clammed down a lot..
Now is almost 3am, tml is third assessment..
Urgh, lets see wad I will do.. Shacks..

-20th June-
Continue from where I left off..
~did lame body conditioning
~meet nj chow and ksn for lunch at lakeside
~went town to crack my psp
~meet yk,veron and yutai at orchard
~decided not to shop as it was "human mountain human ocean"
~went city hall to meet thom and fel
~went marina bay, and then to barrage.
~reach dere, slack slack slack slack,
~then went out for dinner at lau pa sha
~eat pay as you like indian vege food
~then went one fullerton for starbucks
~drink coffee, listen songs, see chiobu
~left for barrage, bath, talk cock, sleep

-21st June-
WATERFEST ACTUAL DAY!
~morning wake up, brushed, changed, report for duty
~girls in kayak as safety, boys help to launch and retrieve rafts
~somewhere around lunch, some guys change over
~girls rest, boys safety kayaks, boys retrieve rafts
~after the event, help to stack chairs
~then left for pm on powerboat
~shiok ride, but feeling seasick without lunch
~saw nj and yk flew while riding waves
~reached pm, unpack and washup
~waited for jun feng and thomas, then had dinner
~went home KO'ed immediately
~no lunch for vege, pek che
~slipper spoil, pek che
~wasted lots of time at pm, pek che

*distant update*

-18 June-

Assessment was great..

I passed 8 person for this first assessment,

and I feel that I will see them again during the registration..

For the assessment,

I did some physical training with them,

before putting them into doubles..

You may ask why? Why PT, why not singles kayaks.. Simple:

I did physical training to see if they are mentally fit for the expedition or not..

No, you did not see wrong.. I wrote mentally fit..

Why? because I know to most of them,

the PT may be tough since they arent trained for long periods..

One short session wont test how physically fit they are,

instead, I can see how many can pull through with mental strength..

Mind over Body

None of them complained, none stand and walk away..

Some struggle, but thats great, that a sign of mental strength..

Thats what I want to see..

Being unprepared for a kayaking expedition,

can be devastatin.. The last thing I wanna see is emotional breakdown again..

Period..

Doubles Kayak..

Simple logic, its the kayak they will be using for SIKE..

I dont need them to low brace turn or eskimo roll in a singles..

What I need them to know, is to practice coordination..

Out in the open sea, a doubles is supposed to go faster than a single..

Provided the two coordinate well..

Each must understand their job and play their part..

This way, everyone move fast and save energy..

Cheers..

Night time: Soccer

Late, cuz I have to go home after dinner with spa peeps to change..

Reached them see alan they all bullly small kids.. LOL..

Then we played 3 v 3.. Jusitn, Jia Jun, Alan, Daryl, Jing Yu and Me..

Tired but shiok..

Then got a bunch of girls came..

Own them.. Felt lame..

Then the same usual malays + 2 chinese grp came..

Fucking smoke every fucking time.. Cursed..

Played with them, shared the court and rotated..

Win some lose some..

Got one retard rushed at me, who was without ball.. o.O'''

Sprain my ankle, lazy to shout foul.. Called for swap instead..

Lammed..

Had supper, I mean the rest, I pratically slept through..

Went home, wanna discuss SIKE food with NJ and E-bon,

but fell asleep instead.. LOL..

Ended day...

-19th June-

Work.. 12-9..

I missed a chance..

Wrong decision..

I wonder izzit just me,

or is god trying to deny me chances..

Here I'm trying to make the best out of every situation,

and there I'm getting worse and worse situation..

Some times, I just wonder.. Maybe I dont love god enufF?

Oh well, shacks..

Work was boring.. No business liddat..

Lunch crowd helped uncle ben,

by taking all the orders.. o.O

Like 5 sandwich to 1 entrees..LOL..

Uncle ben shiok sia..

Like rest day..

But sat sure die again..

Lets hope he survived sat crowd ba..

Went home waited for chow, then realised he nj and sn went out for dinner..

then we discussed sat plan..

going jurong to have lunch,

then town to crack my psp,

then town to buy nj stuff..

Period.. Sleep bout 4 plus am..

Adding music to my psp..

O.o Sleep..

-20th June-

Just started the day leh.. What u want..

LOL.. Anyway, woke up, bath and had breakfast..

Now posting, later maybe doing some basic body toning..

Oh ya, added songs to my blog..

Tell me if it ruins it or not.. I mean the whole skin..

-Its time I decide to voice out or remain quiet for the rest of my life... I didnt voice it out the first time, and though i regretted, I've lived till now.. I wont die.. But I dont know.. Is regret something worth carrying?...alas-