Do I have what it takes.. To deserve to be who I am..
I'm not sure if I've posted something similar before, or was it just a random thought, that keep appearing within my head.. Whatever the case, I've decided to post it up yet again..
I've initially typed alot, but I had them all deleted and replaced with lesser words..
Basically, this post is about me. As a failure.
For all I know, I've been either drifting aimlessly or running from all my troubles all my life..
I spent my younger years, not working hard in studies, because I gave myself the excuse that everything is gonna end one day so why bother working hard.. I still got good grades, but that only serve as a greater downfall in my future..
I made many dumb decision in life, and gave myself crappy excuses, saying that I've not regretted making them.. Heck, I'm still feeling the effects from now, and I've to live a constant lie-life just to keep myself going..
So why this sudden post.. Because today, I've been given yet another wake up call.. A, very heavy wake up call.. For those who didn't know, I took my second practical assessment for PPCDL again today, and I failed again.. I'm not afraid of failure, I'm not afraid of shame, I'm just weight down by my own guilt, because I know I've definitely not tried hard enough.. I know I wanted the license, I know I needed it, but yet, I was complacent thinking that I would get by without preparing and studying.. Well, it was proven to me yet again that sheer luck, would not get me anywhere.. And when I pondered about it, I realized something bigger.. When have I tried hard enough, to prove myself, to earn something..
There were some good efforts I made here and there, but if you put all my bads and goods on a scale, it would have been overwhelming on the bads.. I confess, yet again, I started watching porn at primary 4.. And I first stopped it when I was in secondary 2 or 3.. Because I decided I would change for a girl.. Which I wasn't together with in the end.. Heck, by the end of sec 4, I picked up porn again, this time, with as an even heavier addiction. I started watching only porns video, and I learned to masturbate, through a way which I would have rather not.. I made a wrong decision in life, and I lied to myself, saying its every man instinct.. I ran from the consequence.. And continued on this tainted path.. Until I got in contact with the girl again.. This time, I managed to confess, and I made my second good, by quiting porn for good.. But I've never seems to be able to quit masturbation.. I'm addicted.. Like smoking and drugs.. Like a beast wearing a man skins.. In the end, god decided I'm not good enough for the girl, and she choses someone else.. And I lied to myself again, saying that its better for her to leave because we have different paths to take.. She wanted security of a future for me, but I, who have never had a goal, never worked hard for anything, could not provide her with even a little tiny bit of security.. I'm just a sore loser.. A failure.. Heck, even for this practical, I made a promise to myself that I wont masturbate till I passed it, but I broke it immediately a few days after. And this definitely wasn't the only time I've broke such a promise for myself.. I'm ran away from it every single time.. But I can't take it anymore..
I want to change.. I need to change.. I have dreams now, goals I need to fulfill, duties I'm bounded to, but am I deserving enough? For someone, who can't even quit vulgarities after thinking about changing for so many years.. As usual, I gave myself some crap excuses, and ran away from reality.. I need to stop now..
Today, I failed my practical.. Because I didn't work hard enough, and I promise I will put in all my effort for the next test. I've regretted it twice now, and I don't want to regret it a third time.
Today, I will stop masturbating, and move on from this obsession for good.. And I know it gonna be hard but I need to have the determination to change.. I've to make a difference in my life..
Today, I will start looking at my goals seriously, and work harder for everything, and stop running away from my own problems..
Today, is a day I need to constantly remind myself.. So that I will not forget what I promise..
* This leads me back to a the quote I chose for my A-X.. Something I've chosen for good reason, but yet something I've started to forget..
For me, this quote have far greater meaning that what it seems to the eye.. Like the leadership instinct, I was born with alot of stuff and achieve alot of stuff like its a part of me.. But I never did have the will and determination, like the wishbone, to support all that I was born with.. For me, the quote soundec more like:
I was born with alot of good things, but If I don't have the will and determination to use and nature those good things, I will only fall deep into a hole.
With that, I would like to end my blog post.. For people who might be reading this, I would like to apologize because I'm not who you think I am.. I just a pathetic loser.. But I change, I will try to change.. And hopefully, I will learn from today lessons.. And take things more seriously..
Good nitez peeps, this is MxFate, the-once-in-a-while-blogger, signing off..
