-tags replies-

mx-shihui: haha.. then i guess we'll have to wait ba.. maybe for a major holidays or something.. After the JC ppl A level would be a good time i guess..

-29th June-
Woke up at ten, and started studying..
Eat a bit, drank some coffee, did alot practice..
Finish 2 months worth of lesson within the few hours I had..
Think I should be able to past..
Thats all I ever wish for..
Great, at least let me complete my diploma,
so that I can answer to my paresnts..
If not, I don really know why I'm studying anymore..
Loadsa crap..

Chance among this chain email once again..
Read through it once again, and realise that it does quite make sense..
At least some of it does..

38 things about guys

4. Guys will do anything just to get you to notice him.

10. Girls are guys' weaknesses.

12. If a guy tells you about his problems, he just needs someone to listen to him. You don't need to give advice.

13. A usual act that proves that the guy likes you is when he teases you.

20. If a guy looks unusually calm and laid back, he's probably faking it and is spazzing inside.

25. When a guy looks at you for longer than a second, he's definitely thinking something.

26. A guy has more problems than you can see with your naked eyes.

30. A guy would give his right nut to be able to read a girl's mind for a day.

36. Guys love neck rubs and if he lets you keep doing it ..it means that he really likes you or his neck really hurts.

Thats all for tonight.. Alas..
Sad life I'm leading-Undeniable..
Sad path the world is heading to-Unstoppable..
Sad choice every other human is taking-Unbelievable..
Sad rage of God upon us-Understandable
Sad ness deep within me-Unremovable..

What more is left for this world, if we seek to head towards destruction.. I am but One man..
What else can I do, if I cant even convince those who are beside me.. Forget about the world..
What can I try.. To change this ill fated world.. Only time will tell..

-tags replies-

mx-ben: haha, its okay.. I'm fine man.. thanks for caring..
mx-shihui: haha.. of course I know I still have you all =D so when's the badminton going to be held? Still waiting sia.. haha..

-27th June-
Last Sike Assessment..
Same as usual, passed everyone who came..
I know its kinda pointless, but you know,
I still think it fits what I set out to do perfectly well..
At least now I've let them know what to expect..
I've taught them practical skills for the expedition..
But handling freshies, are really a tough job..
Exp for someone as intolerable as me..
Someone as kao bei, as xia lan as me..

Simple.. There are actually some kinda freshies I don really like..
And I hope they would either leave, and do us a favor,
or change for the better, which would be good as well..
1) Those that aint humble, I don really fucking care if you got 1 star, 2 star or 3 star kayaking.. I don mind if you have none.. But please, if you're gonna come and be trained, don be an ass and try to show off.. If it aint for those more interest freshies, I would have flared up in front of everyone.. Leave if you think you're greater than us.. I dont fucking care..
2) Don't be a nuisance. I dont like answering lame qns, I dont really have the effort to care, I dont really have the time to entertain.. So please, if you can go figure out stuff by yourself if you can.. Like please don sms me this sorta stuff: hi, is there training tml? I wont fucking reply.. Look at the goddam blog.. I will entertain qns during training.. And only those related.. Don come asking me, hey are we gonna have lunch later during training, hey wad we doing later.. I dont fucking plan.. I teach wad i teach, take it or leave it. Lunch or not, I like it, we have it. I don like it, we dont have it. Simple.
3) Don't show me attitute.. I dont care how big size you are, I don care how popular you are.. Fucking piss me off and say goodbye to pm, forever.. I dont ever wanna see your face..
4) I also dont like ppl who get all friendly over me.. I restrict my social circle tightly.. Dont act like you're some long lost fren.. I dont frigging care..
*okay.. i think i better don say anymore.. basically, i just want the freshies to be a little bit more auto.. don do kp stuff, be a little humble.. in this way, we can all be happy...
**aint gonna mention who, so if you come asking, prepare to get fucked..

Had a new kinda training style..
During the teaching of skills, I sent other ppl to teach..
Then I actually got off my kayak,
went up and the RSYC jetty and monitored from higher grounds..
Seems like a better idea..
Allows me to supervise the whole thing better,
and also provide a chance for interation between the other coms and freshies..
Things went quite well, though we didnt went break water..
Spliting headache that day, but still pulled throuhg..

Soccer at night.. Played with Kenneth, SiHao and Kit Chan i think..
Don know how to spell their names..
Suprsingly, alan wasnt free today...
But well, life has to go on..
Did quite badly, injured ankle, injured knee..
Sucks..
Had supper after soccer..
Instant bowl noodles and... PEANUTS!!
haha.. my best...
Went home, bath, and rested..

-28th June-
Slack at home whole day.. Didnt do much, but at least I was happy..
Ending off here.. Cuz really not much to say.. =D
Nitez everyone..

-22nd June-
First Poly fifty training
Did some track related exercise.. Working mainly on stamina and leg muscles.. Still okay for me.. Although could see that both shi ni and sam quite lost, like didnt really know how to bring they idea accross.. LoL..

Went malaysia after that.. Suckiest experience of a life time.. Marks the foul mood period and deep thinking period which lasted for a while.. Jia yao got ask me wad happened, then I keep telling him later.. Ended up he left earlier.. Guess I must as well spill the beans here and tell everyone, at least those reading my lame post..

I must bring in something one of the spa guys said: "I may not stay with this club for long because everyone is only thinking about themselves, if we don't fight for own needs, people wont care" And I remember my reply was something like: " Well, this may not be the case, you have to look at things for a different perspective.." Then, I thought I knew everyone.. But I'm starting to doubt my own words, and I really hated it.. All just because of a small tiny incidet.. Only yao sheng could comprehend, cause he was with me.. This wasnt the first time something similar happened, and its the second time the exact same thing happened.. :

After training, we bath, went back clubhse.. The girls bathed and went FC5.. So they called us and we left for FC 5. Jia yao left first. Then Me and Saw Left. Leaving Chow and Lard.. So me and saw happily walked towards FC5. I went in and started looking around like an idiot for my frens who were suppose to meet me dere.. Some fren they were I realise, they werent dere.. Then I recalled, the first time it happened, I walked around FC5 like an idiot..Sms a few person asking where they were, before I got a call 5 min later telling me they got tired of waiting and left for mrt station already.. Great.. First time, so I thought it was a small matter.. But this time round, I didnt even borther to search, headed straight away to the exit and started calling jia yao.. Just as I expected, they got tired of waiting again.. Great.. Only yao sheng saw how fucked I looked like.. Been trying to control my temper recently, but that just sparked my off.. Sometimes I wonder wads the meaning of staying when I keep kena "put aeroplane". It was then that I recalled the another similar incident when I "flip face" with some of us over the handover meeting.. I dont know, it seems that only I have such problems.. Maybe I expect too much from a normal fren.. But I wonder, are we only limited to be normal fren? I thought we went through though training camps tgt, I thought we went through life threatening expedition tgt, I thought we were good frens.. I guess I thought wrongly.. And I just got pissed off that day..

Maybe its jus me... This sucks..
Back to the happening of the day, we went to malaysia, had lunch at secret recipe.. Sucks. Expensive. Bland. Insufficient. Came out broke and hungry.. WTF.. Then they wanted to watch movie.. I was penniless, ended up havin yu tai treat me.. Maybe its time I stopped following them around like I want to.. Thats when I thought, I am too much a burden.. So much so that I'm starting to hate my own position.. I am a troublesome guy, because everyone have to give in to me when finding food. I am a troublesome guy, because I dont have money to do things everyone wanna do.. What else and I good for when going out.. Nothing.. I guess its time I stop trying to fit in.. I just cant..

The happenings on this day, left me depressed.. And set me into thinking mode for a while.. Then I thought about someone else, and decided that I will fully let go.. Its not within my power to ponder over love anymore.. Run away.. Its all that I can think off.. For a loser.. There aint a better choice..

-23rd June-
Blank mode.. Slack at home, not being able to do anything..
Totally no mood at all..
But no mood still have to work,
because no money..
Ended the day with nothing much for memory..
Ah, the bunch of rich ppl left for LTC..
I wanna go as well..
But I'm glad I didnt lose to desire..
One have to make a hard decision,
for a better future..

-24th June-
Second Sike Assessment
Just realised how much of a fucked up I really am..
Passed people anyhow..
Teach anyhow..
Almost got everyone killed..
Man, totally lost it already...
Blank state still in play.. Got me too distracted..
Cursed it all..

-25th June-
Fucked up day as well..
Woke up late, supposed to me yutai they all for eye check.
Went to lrt station, card no money, bank no money, I no cash..
Went home to borrow from my bro so as to top up my card..
Wad kinda older brother am I.. A fucked up one..
Reached school, meet them, then went to eye center..
Great, they not open for business..
We didnt get to do eye check,
so we decide to postpone the theory for ppcdl.. Shacks..
How long izzit gonna take..
I dont know, I dont care.. No money anyway..
Stayed in school played com and psp...
Tried to study to no avail..
Went pool training.. Me Yutai and Lard..
Followed them for supper, doing nothing..
Went home KO'ed immediately..

-26th June-
Second Poly fifty training
Static exercise training core muscle, lead by lard..
Then had lunch, at FC3, i was eating my own packed lunch..
It contains, Protein, fats, fibre, carbo..
Totally dont know what kinda crap I'm eating,
Just know what kinda nutrients there are...
Shacks.. Went clubhse slack a while. Play psp..
Jun Feng Wen Yi come, I went home, sleep..
Wake up then go work..
Came home, eat dinner, use comp until now.. LoL.. Finishing the post..

Still in blank state.. But I've clammed down a lot..
Now is almost 3am, tml is third assessment..
Urgh, lets see wad I will do.. Shacks..

-20th June-
Continue from where I left off..
~did lame body conditioning
~meet nj chow and ksn for lunch at lakeside
~went town to crack my psp
~meet yk,veron and yutai at orchard
~decided not to shop as it was "human mountain human ocean"
~went city hall to meet thom and fel
~went marina bay, and then to barrage.
~reach dere, slack slack slack slack,
~then went out for dinner at lau pa sha
~eat pay as you like indian vege food
~then went one fullerton for starbucks
~drink coffee, listen songs, see chiobu
~left for barrage, bath, talk cock, sleep

-21st June-
WATERFEST ACTUAL DAY!
~morning wake up, brushed, changed, report for duty
~girls in kayak as safety, boys help to launch and retrieve rafts
~somewhere around lunch, some guys change over
~girls rest, boys safety kayaks, boys retrieve rafts
~after the event, help to stack chairs
~then left for pm on powerboat
~shiok ride, but feeling seasick without lunch
~saw nj and yk flew while riding waves
~reached pm, unpack and washup
~waited for jun feng and thomas, then had dinner
~went home KO'ed immediately
~no lunch for vege, pek che
~slipper spoil, pek che
~wasted lots of time at pm, pek che

*distant update*

-18 June-

Assessment was great..

I passed 8 person for this first assessment,

and I feel that I will see them again during the registration..

For the assessment,

I did some physical training with them,

before putting them into doubles..

You may ask why? Why PT, why not singles kayaks.. Simple:

I did physical training to see if they are mentally fit for the expedition or not..

No, you did not see wrong.. I wrote mentally fit..

Why? because I know to most of them,

the PT may be tough since they arent trained for long periods..

One short session wont test how physically fit they are,

instead, I can see how many can pull through with mental strength..

Mind over Body

None of them complained, none stand and walk away..

Some struggle, but thats great, that a sign of mental strength..

Thats what I want to see..

Being unprepared for a kayaking expedition,

can be devastatin.. The last thing I wanna see is emotional breakdown again..

Period..

Doubles Kayak..

Simple logic, its the kayak they will be using for SIKE..

I dont need them to low brace turn or eskimo roll in a singles..

What I need them to know, is to practice coordination..

Out in the open sea, a doubles is supposed to go faster than a single..

Provided the two coordinate well..

Each must understand their job and play their part..

This way, everyone move fast and save energy..

Cheers..

Night time: Soccer

Late, cuz I have to go home after dinner with spa peeps to change..

Reached them see alan they all bullly small kids.. LOL..

Then we played 3 v 3.. Jusitn, Jia Jun, Alan, Daryl, Jing Yu and Me..

Tired but shiok..

Then got a bunch of girls came..

Own them.. Felt lame..

Then the same usual malays + 2 chinese grp came..

Fucking smoke every fucking time.. Cursed..

Played with them, shared the court and rotated..

Win some lose some..

Got one retard rushed at me, who was without ball.. o.O'''

Sprain my ankle, lazy to shout foul.. Called for swap instead..

Lammed..

Had supper, I mean the rest, I pratically slept through..

Went home, wanna discuss SIKE food with NJ and E-bon,

but fell asleep instead.. LOL..

Ended day...

-19th June-

Work.. 12-9..

I missed a chance..

Wrong decision..

I wonder izzit just me,

or is god trying to deny me chances..

Here I'm trying to make the best out of every situation,

and there I'm getting worse and worse situation..

Some times, I just wonder.. Maybe I dont love god enufF?

Oh well, shacks..

Work was boring.. No business liddat..

Lunch crowd helped uncle ben,

by taking all the orders.. o.O

Like 5 sandwich to 1 entrees..LOL..

Uncle ben shiok sia..

Like rest day..

But sat sure die again..

Lets hope he survived sat crowd ba..

Went home waited for chow, then realised he nj and sn went out for dinner..

then we discussed sat plan..

going jurong to have lunch,

then town to crack my psp,

then town to buy nj stuff..

Period.. Sleep bout 4 plus am..

Adding music to my psp..

O.o Sleep..

-20th June-

Just started the day leh.. What u want..

LOL.. Anyway, woke up, bath and had breakfast..

Now posting, later maybe doing some basic body toning..

Oh ya, added songs to my blog..

Tell me if it ruins it or not.. I mean the whole skin..

-Its time I decide to voice out or remain quiet for the rest of my life... I didnt voice it out the first time, and though i regretted, I've lived till now.. I wont die.. But I dont know.. Is regret something worth carrying?...alas-

-17th June-

Work..

One word to describe everything that happen that day..

Woke up at nine, cook breakfast, and went to work..

Start at 12, ends at 9..

Then meeting, meet till 10..

Discuss about some admin stuff..

Standards of Procedure, Rules and Regulations etc..

Then went supper with them..

As usual, had ice kachang nia.. Sian but buay sian..

Tired but I took time out for frenz..

Drag till 12 then reached home..

Bath, on comp and started chatting..

All the way till now, 5 plus am 18th june..

oh ya, nj wk veron sn went oversea to stay over at nj's..

cool..

-18th June-

Just started five hours of this day..

Today going to have training cum assessment for sike..

Hope I don oversleep..

Left 2 hours to sleep.. Haha..

Night pool training I don think going le..

I going soccer.. Long time no go le.. LOL..

Good luck for today..

oh ya to add on for 15 and 16...

-13-15th June-

Went through C camp, and found something I lost..

I found a target, a path in life..

For my past 18 years, since I realise I could thinking..

I was lost in life..

Because I don have a target..

I dont value money, I dont value studies, I cant force myself to set a life time goal along a line thats all about playing.. What else can I do..

I wasnt able to stick to religon, but after the camp..

I realised.. If I don step up for the religon,

how much life will be affected..

You may say, I'm but one person..

But if u have foresight, u will understand that 1 person can influence 10, 10 can influence another 10 each, so it will sprea like a fire.. You've gotta have the big picture in mind..

Well, lets hope when I walk down these path, I will stay on it..

-16th June

Night cycling ended well..

We had some safety issue to settle in the begining..

But in the end, everything worked out nicely..

We arranged the whole participant into 3 grps and have different tl leads.

So that it would be easier for us to manage..

Basically i using a lousy bike.. lost my rear light...

OKAY, time to sleep.. NITEZ.. +D

-15 june-

Back from C camp.. Inspired..

I've finally decided on my path of life to take..

Lets hope I stick on to it.. 

Cheers..

-16 june-

Back from night cycling.. 

Exhausted but accomplised..

Finished the whole thing..

Almost gave up halfway..

Because I fell asleep while cycling on my bike..

Cool..

Going badminton now.. 

Maybe I will post more after I come back.. Cheers.. 

-9th June-

Went school early to practice for abseiling course. 

Practice a while, did some rock climb and then times up..

Gotta got for PPCDL lessons.. Tuesdays lesson was okay..

Monday lesson was horrible.. Cpt Zaharin cmi..

Aiming for one shot pass.. 

Just to save money..

Well, I guess I've to do alot of preparations work.. 

Jia You ba..

-10th June-

Went skol in the morning to do reconditioning training..

Run around the skol three times with Jia yao and Wei loon..

That jia yao crazy one.. ran with us in full taekwondo attire.. 

Almost fainted sia him.. Crazy guy..

Did some rock climb and practice for abseiling..

After that got the abseiling assessment itself..

Phew, almost seems like a breeze for me..

Heng sia.. Practice time really make alot of difference..

Rock climbing again at moberly after assessment..

Lol, did some stun.. Climbing with pure arm strength..

Siao one.. Haha.. But it was fun..

Had our last ppcdl theory lesson.. 

Went home after that.. 

-11th June-

Spring cleaning for clubhouse..

Cleaned alot of stuff, but I dont really rmb wad..

Second half of the day chiong flems report..

Was glad that I finally finish that shit..

But, at the expenses of my god-nuer..

Haiz, promised to accompany her to pasir ris de..

End up the project dragged longer than i predicted..

So very sorry to her.. 

To think we so long nvr meet up le, 

and I not only broke her promise,

but also pang seh her.. 

Wah kao, guilty.. 

can only say sorry.. time difficult to arrange..

kayaking training in the night..

mastered my right hand roll le..

8 straight roll.. lets hope i improve or maintain at least.. 

go home rest for the next day prac..

-12th june-

Had our PPCDL prac lesson.. 

Think I did quite well..

Cuz all the stuff we already practice before le..

Just have to perfect it with more practice..

Oh well, lets pray hard I get my one shot bah..

Did somethings really bad today.. 

Missed soccer training.. 

Cuz I'm tired, and I've to prepare for a camp tml..

Flared up at NJ shi ni and yaosheng for separate issue, 

but its all because i cant hold back my temper..

Haiz, don know why recently like that..

Talked to NJ about it.. 

but i don think i can solve the problem jus like that..

oh well.. 

Sleeping soon.. tml gotta wake up early for some lame camp.. 

kao.. waste of my time.. and money.. 

nitez everyone.. 

-7th of June-

Post FO outing.. Went out with SPA ppl and our freshies to Sentosa..

Had a great day there just slacking around..

Sprained my neck while doing tree climbing.. 

LoL.. Then sleep in the hammock for the rest of the day..

Had dinner at Vivo and then we went to watch Terminator..

Which was quite the disappointment.. 

Not really what I expected it to be.. 

Oh well, went home in Taxi with Jia Yao, Fel and Jasper.

Tired and sleepy.. 

-8th June-

Woke up at about 11.. Ate something and went to look for die da..

Had accupuncture and some hard core die da.. 

Almost killed me.. LoL. 

But it was great, at least my neck not so stiff already..

Hope it will heal soon.. 

Went home about 12 and sleep again.. 

Woke up at about 2, chat on msn a while..

Then left house to meet NJ and shi ni for PPCDL lesson..

Boat liscense, here I come.. 

-side note-

I was asked a question that I could not answer..

Because I'm afraid that things will change.. 

If moving forward may cause me to lose everything,

I rather stand rooted to the ground, unwavering.. 

Because I'm not the same anymore.. Now,

I'm just a corwady sinner who dare not move forth..

Trapped by my own regrets, 

I dont feel that I've the rights anymore..

I dont have the rights to love.. 

One day, maybe just one day..

I should let this loneliess in my heart consume me whole..

I cant take it anymore, but neither do I have the courage..

Show me a path out of this torment..

Here to update again.. Havent been hardworking lately..

But oh well, you know.. Packed schedule..

Finished our FO last week end.. So how did it went?

Basically, I think it went quite well on the overall..

What we actually learnt from this camp was how to work with each other..

I'm actually quite happy about it..

Just one thing to apologize about, and thats the food..

Maybe a bit screwed up.. But I tried my best..

I guess you can really say,

if you fail to plan, you plan to fail...

Alas, I cant turn back the wheel of time..

So I think I can only hope that I do better then next tym around..

Okay, after the FO is basically just a week of slacking..

Its still school, but I've officially entered pre-holiday mood..

Totally not absorbing any information..

Then kena kao bei by Wei Loon..

FLEMS report still not out yet.. lol.. 

Bo bian..Not cut out for study..

Wednesday had abseiling course..

Half of us went for the assessment.. And practically,

almost everyone failed the level 2..

I think we're just ill prepared..

Thats the reason why I didnt even bother taking the assessment..

Because I know, we dont have enuff experience..

But overall, I felt that we learned more stuff.. 

So, its still worth it.. 

Thursday had kayaking as usual.. Practiced roll, and tried handroll..

Total failure, lets hope I absorbed it and try it out again next week..

Also tried hanging draw.. Almost get the hang of it le.. 

Great.. Short practice session, but productive.. Cool..

Friday, first lesson with some other SPA ppl.. 

Attending the PPCDL course together.. 

Other than me there was: YT, YS, NJ, YK, KSN, vernon and fel. 

First lesson was great, at least I didnt fall asleep..

Went thought alot of dry theory stuffs.. 

Lets hope I can past the whole test I one shot ba..

If not someone gonna kp me liao.. LOL.. 

Anyway, we went supper after that.. 

This part gotta apologize.. I dont know if others felt it but I was a little pissed off then..

Cuz it was late, and some of us kinda rushing for time.. 

So the least I could hope for was to walk a little faster, 

chop chop have supper and then we can all home sweet home..

But I guess only I felt the need to move fast bah..

The rest were still wasting their time, slowly walking..

I dont know why.. maybe its just me..

Being kinda edgey now a days yet again..

Pissing off for small stuff, getting angry at nothing..

refer to reflection for more.

Sat, did clinic and sports elective..

Nearly shitted in my pants just now.. 

When why kei teaching two girls how to do t-x rescue..

Nearly got them killed.. omg sia.. 

But heng heng everytihng turned out fine.. Phew..

Other than this incident, I think everything else turns out fine..

And so we bath, and then we went out for Ice cream..

Jiayao, yutai, jun feng and wenyi went to get lunch for us..

So we actually had our lunch while the mc meeting was on-going..

Discuss alot of MC and got more and more demoralized..

Just realised that everything about this world is money..

Without money you cant do a shit..

But money is hard to come by..

The poor will always be poor, 

the rich will always be rich..

I dont get it.. 

But I guess I will be missing out on lots of trips and expedition..

Fucking demoralized..

After MC meeting, we left PM and I went cck to meet my fren for soccer..

Was late, but at least I finally make time.. Havent been there for weeks le.. 

Realised that my skills detoriate alot.. 

Not to say I had a lot of skills to start out with..

But anyway, today was different..

Because we actually played at the field, with adults..

Fast moving and skilled, experience and quick,

you could say we were outmatched, outplayed and outlasted..

But it was fun playing with them as we learn alot of stuff..

Hope we could play with them again some time.. Cheers..

Now is personal reflection.. 

Maybe its just me being over stressed, by the matters of the heart..

I just dont know.. Maybe its just me..

But somehow, I need someone to pull me off the path I'm walking down..

The path which is both lonely and hard to walk on..

But somehow, it is the only path that defys neither my heart, nor my logic..

Why is it so hard everytime for me to let of something, 

that wasnt meant to be mine.. 

Why cant my heart see logic.. 

And not bring this upon myself..

I dont know, maybe I'm just too sentimental a guy..

Too controlled by feelings..

URGH.. Cant anyone free me from this dead lock..

I'm in need of a key, to my soul..

And one more thing.. Why I have locked myself in..

Its because of the horrible things I've done..

I cant talk about it, I don want to talk about it.. 

But I know, up till now I still cant forgive myself about it..

I've sinned, I'm a sinner, and thats a absolute fact..

Nothing can change it.. Fuck..

I only wanted a simple life.. Why am I so stressed.. 

I cant move on.. Just remain being stucked.. haiz..