July 9 - July 28 2009

Almost 20 days.. Finally decided I will come and post some thing..
Well, its same as usual, its not like nothing happened so I didnt post..
I just didnt felt like sharing.. haha..
Oh well, although I'm here to post now,
it also doesnt means that much have happened..
Confusing right? haha.. oh well, thats how life is..
Anyway, lets just briefly describe what happened over this few days..

I remember I was sick for most part..
So all I did was rest, sleep and eat that is..
Well, normally people would be quite happy with doing nothing but slack..
But to slack at this period of time would mean hell..
Because poly fifty is tomorrow..
And I will be dead meat when the time comes..
Because my body is already at the worst possible form..
No training, all slacking just one week before poly fifty..
Oh man, what could get worse..

Other than that, I skipped sat kayaking sports elective..
Sick of teaching people who don't listen to instruction,
sick of teaching people who are really interested in learning..
Or maybe its just me..
I think I sucks at teaching.. But what to do..
Its part of our duty.. Oh well..
At least its kayaking, something I like..

Gaming, been playing dota as usual..
Still very noob as usual.. I don't really care though..
Also addicted to the psp game monster hunter now..
Been playing it with friends alot..
Oh well, lets hope I don get so addicted that I don study..

Soccer, same as usual, every sat evening..
1st sat: one of my most tiring session..
running around the court with mucus in the nose and fever raging..
Just when I thought it couldn't be worse, it rained..
okay, now its making the fever worse.. lol..
oh well, I called for timeout and then sat under the void deck to get some rest..
went in again after the rain slowed down for some shoot out..
stupid illness. stupid fever.
2nd sat: post recovery stage..
running around the court with mucus flowing out of the nose all the time.. lol..
at least there was no fever.. So I don't feel so bad..
But I was grasping for air.. Stamina quite low then..
And there was only 5 of us.. So we were like playing 2 - 3.
Thats makes the 2 person on one team damm tired..
But I guess its just our own lack of ability..
Oh well, skills level dropped again..
Maybe its post recovery stage.. Lets hope I get back to peak form or better.

Studies..
Bunch of craps which I dont remember..
Oh ya, did badly for 2 experiment..
Fluid mech, not enough preparation for the slides presentation..
Scored low..
Chemical reaction engineering, not enough time to discuss the practical.
Scored low..
Plant design simulation,
Scored low..
Fuck.. what am I scoring good nowadays..
Oh well, how I wish I could remain in sec school life..
Where there was totally no stress in studies at all..
Alas, time dont reverse, good thing don stay long..
Well, lets just hope I survive this poly life, and get this fucking diploma, putting an end to school life for good..
.period.

SPA
oh well, also nothing much to post.. have been quite inactive this few days..
lets hope I get my form back bah..
and I more thing, I think I will be missing out of kinabalu..
Since my mom dont allow me..
1. She's my mom, I gotta listen to her after all..
2. I just lost my only sponsor. No $ = No trekking..

oh well, I should be feeling sad, feeling disappointed..
But this is not the first time shit happens,
so I think I'm kinda use to it..
At least I have took this days to think through alot of stuffs..
Sometime, you know you have to let go of a certain kinda lifestyle,
when it aint suitable for you..
Maybe I just haven find the place I really belong to..
And although I desperately need to find one now,
there is no point rushing.. It wont just appear like that..
I guess maybe its time for me to move on with life..
I could still do what I'm doing now..
But I guess my commitment just wont be as strong as others..
And I guess I wont stay with this lifestyle forever..
After all, my family is in the business of saving the souls of hummanity all over the world..
Maybe I should just stick to that holy business..
.life sucks.

Phew, back after a long time.. Or maybe just a few days..

First thing first, tags replies..

-Veronica- "Yo, you don't have to say anything.. I'm grateful.. Thanks for encouraging me.. =D"
-ShiHui- "LoL, there is no life that I 'want'.. I don't really have any grand plan for life.. Thanks for encouraging me though.. I wont try to change anything, but myself.. =D"
-YK- "haha, ah mei.. I know life's short.. But sometimes, the path each man choose to walk down leads to different destination.. My path is just much more bumby.. But I will still try to stay happy de.. Cheers =D"
-Aida- "Ehhh, you think you saw me? haha, don't think le, it must be your luck to see me.. LOL.. Anyway, thanks for encouraging me =D"
-Kesie- "Yo, thanks for being a good listening ear.. You may be someone I don't know, some unknown person connected to me only via the Internet.. But you have been a friend to me.. I'm really grateful.. At least I get to tell someone something.. Maybe its precisely because you are someone I don't know, it makes it easier for me to open up.. hmm.. anyway, thanks for being here.. Cheers =D"
-Cassie- "Haha, your name like my that online friend.. Anyway, thansk for encouraging me.. I will definitely walk out of any downturns in my life by myself de =D Cheers"

Okay, thats it for the tags replies I guess.. Move on to this week..
I ended my last post on sunday.. One of my worse sunday ever..
I ended up feeling how I felt then, but I guess, I aint that kind that stays that way forever..
I move on much faster than I expected.. Much faster than I want..
Maybe its because I don't have a good memory..
And I have a tendancy to forget stuff just like that..
But sometimes, some things just can't be erased.. Things that are imprinted in me..

Anyway, this whole week have been tiring..
Not because I have lots of stuffs to do..
But because my mind refuses to let my body rest..
I feel tired.. I feel sick.. I heard my body telling my brain to stop..
But I can't.. I needa keep doing stuff to distract myself..
Stuff that are lame and time wasting..
Maybe its just my way of running.. The best solution I always turn to..
It kinda sux.. But there aint a better choice for me..

Oh well, to sum it up, I attended lessons as per normal,
sleep through and played through as per normal..
attended traning as per normal..
played dota and read manga till late night..
sleep as little as possible..

well, upcoming sat, steam boat at my hse..
lets hope the spa peeps enjoy..
cheers.. nitez..

So it has begin..
Devastion, lost, helplessness, pain, agnony, despair..
And eventually, insanity..

I hate it..
Hate being in this state..
Hate needing to pull myself together..
Hate forcing myself to be strong..
Hate, having no one to call out to..

I don't know why..
No matter how much my mind forces my body..
Eventually, my heart will take over..
This weak heart that desire support..

I cant take it anymore..

Fucked up eye infection and a cruel reality..
What more must I be put through..
Before I finally break down..
I down want to know..
I down want to break down..

someone help me..

I'm once again holding on to the last line of support..
I don't want the support to be the one to push me down the cliff..
Like it what happened then..

I..

forget it.. just let me be..
i cant understand myself either..

-2nd July-
I dont know what I'm doing anymore..
People lose sight of their goals in life,
and deviate from the path they were taking..

I'm different..
I started out with no goals in life,
I don't deviate..
But at the same time,
I wont end up anywhere..

Been taking long walks nowadays...
I don't know why..
Just feel like wasting these extra time away..

Man I going crazy..
So crazy that if u pry open my brain right now, you'll see:
DFSGJHU#$%^YTHGWERTYUI52OLKJ0HG12FDS52D68FGB5NMN8BVCX54ERTJ6HG!

I feel like screamming out loud, but that doesnt help..
I feel like punching something, but that doesnt help..
What I need, is something I cannot get..
Or I should I say, something I deny myself from..

Two more paper coming up...
But I cant concentrate..

Disorientated.. Inorganized.. Undisciplined.. Useless..

-1st July-
Took my Plant safey paper..
Should be able to pass..
Wasted my afternoon away..
Did some conditioning..
A little rock climb..
Lethargic..
Walked home from gombak..
What else can I do..

- - - - -
I dont want to ruin what little that I have..
But should I just tell you I love you..
At least, I have one thing less to ponder about..
One thing less to worry about..
But these three words,
aint coming out that easily..

I cant let insanity consume me once more..
I dont want to walk back into that state..

-1st July-

Havin my third paper later on..
Plant Safety and Loss Prevention
Well, I did some last min reading,
plus some common sense,
plus some little information I may heard in class,
lets hope I pass this paper..
cheers..

Later maybe going AF to study,
well, always said that but ended up not going dere..
maybe its still a little too far for comfort..
oh well, don care now.. worry later..

-30th June-
Took my second paper, Bioanalytics..
Lets hope I pass it as well..
Not a bad paper, but I didnt really study,
so I cant expect much..
Oh well.. its only 10%..
Not like it really matters...
Great day..

- - - - -

If we were to measure the words we could have said in our life, in terms of how long a queue it would form, I guess mine would be a bunch of similar people lining up for the same stall, wanting to order the same thing.. Alas.. The people can only queue, becaus they don't have what it takes to pay...