Hmmm..I can say I feel gulity,but that isnt gonna change a fact..
I am guilty,because there are actually so many people around me,
that show me care and concern,
that dont wan to see me being reduced to such a state,
that believe in me,hoping that I could change for the better,
yet knowing this way before they told me,I am still like this..
I feel apologetic to them,and I really have to say sorry,
sorry that I am not the guy you all know,
sorry that I will not change for the better,
sorry for being such a stubborn bull,
sorry for the misplaced care and concern,
sorry for the time and effort,
sorry for giving up so long ago yet I didnt told anyone,
sorry for giving up on this world..

I have changed..From a childish brat,to someone who see the wrold,from one specific persepective that not many can understand..
A persepective that is clouded by saddness,cruelty,and darkness..
A persepective based on the human heart..
And from the point on,I wont change..Not in the short run..
I will remain as I am..Because I want to constantly remind myself..
That this world is not to be..That one day we will have to return somewhere..
That not many around me can return..
That I have to someone let others know what they are doing..
That I have failed..

When people change because of surrounding,because of something that happen,they can overcome it..With the help of friends..
But when a person changed because he want to..Forget it..You cant help him..
I am that kinda person..

I dont to stay positive,because I know what is going to happen in the end..To be able to surpass and kinda of emotion breakdown,I must let go off eveything..And to do that,the best way is to be negative,becase only that will ya heart be numbed..Thats the kinda state I am in,a state where a person can laugh when he get scolded,can shout when some is polite to him,can think of killing small animals even when he is a vegetarian..I may have sinned,but I will repay them back..

...Feel like crying sia...My Blog like no people come and read one..So sad...
Nvm,used to it le...But I will still try to update it oftenly..
Last week was hell..Mst finally....Nearly over...WHY?
Cuz I ke kiang,last time nothing to do go sign up for diploma plus...
End up realise that module is so damm difficult..And troublesome..
Now when everyone is relaxing,I still have to prepare for another test next week..
Sian..Nvm la,dropping it le..Heng is pay sem by sem..If not I will be wasting 1000 plus instead of 200 plus..

Well,everything seems kinda same for me..Not much happening..I don really wan any sudden suprise that make me super happy, jus hope that I wont get a sudden shock of my life..I rather life remain dull and lifeless..Den having alot of downfall..
Well,I am half typing,half wondering,why the hell am I still typing so much..Maybe its nothing ba..Jus wanna say something..But don wan say something too chim..End up come out de stuff becomes super lame..I also don understand..

Today my fren ask me..Have you thought about your further education?Where you wanna go to further studies?
I told him,I aint gonna study no more..I will jus try n find a lame job,earn a low living n try to stay happy..Happiness is everything..Why the fuck I give myself so much stress to study so hard jus to fall ill..And waste more money..I told him,my thinking may be lame and unrealistic,but even if I know it,I don seems to care..We cant bring money with us to heaven anyway..And that was how far into the future I always think..Don care wad is gonna happen in a few years time..Think of what is gonna happen when u die..Wad will u,wad can u,and what should u bring with ya..Hmmm..Maybe i'm thinking too much le..haha..

But honestly,I will pay back all the I own and bring only the good stuff with me..No debts,no grudge and no unhappinesss..=)

Shit man..Raining now..Diaoz..Sianz..

It been a while..
Life hasnt change much..
But I finally saw something I didnt saw ealier..
Its a new her...
All along,she wanted to be free,to do all the things she wanted to do..
But all along,I wanted to tie her down..Maybe I was too selfish then..
I wanted her to be someone she isnt..someone she doesnt want to be..
Deep inside,I know,she wanted to be free..

But deep inside me,I didnt wanted her to be like this..
Maybe its because who she wanna be isnt who I wanted her to be,that lead to this..
This irrevisible seperation..

Maybe its because I was educated with a older concept,too mature..
Maybe because of my encentric nature,I didnt wanted to accept that kinda lifestyle..
Maybe because I am jus too stubborn..
Maybe..Isnt going to turn back time..

Since things has come this way..I really hope she enjoys her life and move on with it..I belong to a totally different world..We shouldnt have been together..But I have never regretted it..At least I get to see life in a different persepective..But now I know..Its truly over..I can finally let go..

Take care from now on..I wont be by ya side anymore..And I dont know if we still can be friends..Maybe we can..But the problem lies with me...Just like the others..I cant bring myself to face them..I dont feel like being friends..Once I know the difference in the kinda world we live in..

Kinda love these two song..Really describe my situation well..hahah..anyway,hope everyone enjoys the songs..=)

Loneliness Knows Me By Name

SHANE:
Loneliness is always looking for a friend
It found me once and it has been around since then
Loneliness is never waiting by the door
It sweeps right through and it will never be ignored
BRYAN:
Why, why was I chosen?
Why am I left without?

ALL:
The Love of my life, the love that I need
The love that they say is in life for free
The love of my dreams, the love that I want
Loneliness knows me by name

MARK:
Loneliness knows everything I keep inside
My endless thoughts in the silence of the night
Loneliness is the one who made me see
Aint nobody else who can make a change but me
SHANE:
Why, why was I chosen?
Why am I left without?

ALL:
The Love of my life, the love that I need
The love that they say is in life for free
The love of my dreams, the love that I want
Loneliness knows me by name

SHANE:
Less is more and that would be the vacant space
The cried out tears and a never ending maze
BRYAN:
I have found what only loneliness provides
A strength within knowing I will find

ALL:
The love of my life, the love that I need
The love that they say is in life for free
The love of my dreams, the love that I want
Loneliness knows me by name

The love of my life, the love that I need
The love that they say is in life for free
The love of my dreams, the love that I want
Loneliness knows me by name

Fool Again

Baby, I know the story,
I've seen the picture,
it's written all over your face.
Tell me, what's the secret
that you've been hiding,
and who's gonna take my place?

BRIDGE
I should've seen it coming
I should've read the signs
Anyway, I guess it's over...

CHORUS
Can't believe that I'm the fool again,
I thought this love would never end.
How was I to know?
You never told me.
Can't believe that I'm the fool again,
And I who thought you were my friend.
How was I to know?
You never told me.

Baby, you should've called me
when you were lonely,
when you needed me to be there.
Sadly, you never gave me
too many chances,
to show you how much I care.

BRIDGE
CHORUS

About the pain and the tears.
Ohoo...
If I could, I would
turn back the time.

Oh yeah...

BRIDGE

Can't believe that I'm the fool again,
I thought this love would never end.
How was I to know? (How was I to know?)
You never told me (never told me, baby).
Can't believe that I'm the fool again,
And I who thought you were my friend (baby, I'm the fool).
How was I to know?
You never told me (you neeever told me).

Woots..Today experience God warth again..Man,I'm so used to it I can barely feel like human now..Its like somebody snatch away a million dollars at you and you still wave and smile at him..You dont feel at all..Haha..Wakaka..I'm like that le..So wad..I dont care..Just have to wait for judgement day..Woots..

Today finally my dad and mom free..So we went westmall to buy my handphone..And u know what,instead of feeling excited and happy,I was anticipating misfortune and trouble..So happy to know that I made the good choice..LOL..Because when I was about to purchase the phone,the person checked and told me my plan still haven reach 21 months.. LOL.. I was like oh!? izzit!? after such careful planning and calculations, I was wrong? lol.. I counted and recounted and counted over and again..It just doesnt make sense..Anyway,I dont really care le.. Cant buy cant buy lor.. Next time den buy lor.. LOL.. After that wasted trip,we went to eat somethings..

Then is the class meeting.. Man,the tunrout was kinda expected.. 4-5 ppl.. Woots la.. After I sent sms to everyone.. This is like so cool lor, the class rep sent sms to the class, end up only some reply n only a few come online.. Sia la, really love this type of situation sia.. Invisible man, the big jupiter mu xing.. WOOTs la.. So after that, we discuss discuss, den settle eveything le.. Hope the bbq screws up.. God must be preparing something.. Sia la, better go prepare myself.. Muahaha.
I will be ready for God..Hehehe..Kinda expectin rain that day..wakaka..

I love god..Because he really like pushing my mentallity beyond my limits..

Today,was supposed to be a happy day,becasue I'm finally getting a new phone..
But end up,the whole night was a screw up...

Went home during the evening,feeling tired and restless..Jus trying to keep myself together by thinking bout the new phone..End up,my parents not free...Cant buy today...Tml i not free..Friday they not free..Sat i not free..Left sun,don know wad fucking thing is gonna pop up and stop me again..Don expect something good,always expect the worst..Even someone like me who contantly live with this mindset cant take the pressure of my fucked up life..Okay,finally decided to stop thinking bout that fucking phone..Went to play some games to destress..End up.there us this fucked up fren of mine,who keep insulting me..

YA,I KNOW I NOOB,I KNOW I NOT GOOD WITH GAMES,SO?
WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WAN?GET A LIFE MAN!
I AM ALSO TRYING MY BEST LE..DEN WAD YOU WANT ME TO DO?
YA,I KNOW YOU PRO,THATS WHY I ASK YA WAD TO DO..
DEN U THINK I ASK FOR FUCK?THERE KEEP DULAN ME,WAD YA WAN SIA?




Haiz..Jus feel kinda fuck up now..My whole life is in a fuck up mess...All I wanted since i was young,was to live n die happily..I never expected much..I don really care if i was fit..Don really care if i do well in anything.NOt my studies,nor any sports..I was jus trying to be happy..Jus trying to be happy...Still trying to be happy...I jus want to stop thinking bout anything...



Is trying to be happy so difficult...I can only say..God love to test me..But pleaase..someone..stop him already..even a wood heart can be burned away..

Haiz..Kinda stress recently..Maybe I am really thinking too much bout lame stuff le

Too much load on my mind...

Her..
Studies..
Fun..
Work..
Outings..
Class rep duties..
Projects and reports..
Shortage of time..
And the lamest,the world..

The rest still okay..If I could work on my time management,things would be fine..But the two main issue I cant get over with are her..and the world..

I don know if i can get over her or not..If I could still be friends with her, if I could still bring myself with her... I jus don know how to bring myself to face her.. Maybe I should stick to my loser life and run away like I always did.. After all,this seems wad I am best at...Haiz..

Den there is this the world thing I cant stop myself from thinking..
What is gonna happen to the world, to us.. If we are jus gonna continue wad we are doing..
No doubt the world is gonna end soon because we human are jus too stubborn to revert..
Jus looking at our moral values..Its like looking at a ghost..Only one in a million can be seen..

AHHH!!! Pek Che ar.. I also don know wad i wanna say la..Jus forget bout it..
Life sux to the core..I am kinda hoping for Judgement day..Hoping that god will make his move..Its time..before your sons self destruct..AHHH!!! Y i cant i stop thinking bout these stiff..URgh..

Last night.
Was horrible..

I wanted so much to prevent it.
I wanted so much to keep myself from saying it..
But in the end, it all doesnt matter..


We've made the decison now..
We may regret, we may be hurt..
But theree is no turning back in life..
No u-turn, no go-stun..
But do remember, that no matter wad happen..
Stay happy..

I've failed again..
A loser..
A total failure..
A goner..

Give me a gun, and I will shoot myself..
Give me a knief, and I will stab myself..
Give me a fork, and I pork myself..
Give me a sword, and I will slash myself..
Give me a building, and I will jump down..
Give me poison, and I will end myself..
Give me hell, and I will embrance it..

Because for a beast, there is no better place than hell..


8 months, 28 days..
273 days..

I had her with me then..Now its me again..
I'm sorry..

SPA ROX!! YESAH!! All the way people!!
WooTs!! So high right now,because i jus attended the SPA camp..
SPA = Singapore Poly Adventurers!! ?Yesah!!
=) Although the two days were tiring,its was really fun..
From the first day night walk,to the second days 'hulu' gathering game,den the bonfire n finally a third day of sea activity..Omg,we were pushed to our limits..And that is so FUN!! ?Yesas!!
I may have lost my voice,but i will never lose the spirit..
Now i know that this club is really the one for me..
At least I can do things that i like =)

Here,I want to thanks the family members from JETIX!! WE ROX BIG TIME!! YESAH!!
haha..and then,i want to thanks my leaders,who try all they could to inspire us and to bring up the mood!! YESAH!! THANKS YOU TO ALL!!
and i wont forget our buddy empire,the JETO!! Without u guys, the BEST JETCO wont be formed!! THANK U!!
to the special group of us,those we really sacifice our time to stay throughout,a very big thanks and apperciation,you peeps make my day..I cant imagine if everyone left..
to those who left early,I wasnt scolding you peeps =) YESAH!! i know u all have impt things to do..thats y i wont blame u guys..but.. stay in contact alright?!! YESAH!!


Hmmm,kk lar,its late le,going to sleep soon..Nitex all!!

P.S. sorry darling,have to be away for 3 days..Hugz..really missya..
P.S.S. Hey Wee Hao,dont think i forget bout you..You are the best too!! YESAH!! work hard yea?

I'm here to post..
Was trying to sleep,but couldnt fall asleep..
Don know why,recently keep havin a lot of stuff in my mind..
Thinking bout this,worrying bout that,troubled by this n that..
Hmmm,if someone told me life is like a piece of white paper,
I will tell them mine is almost black..
Hmmm..All I ever do is run..
I dont ever look back,jus keep running forward..
Wad ever happens,I jus throw them to fate,and run..
Hmmm,when will i start solving my own problems..
Recently,kinda slacking a bit..
Well,next week will be called chiong week..
Think I will have to stick to this balance..
One week purely chiong,one week purely slack..
Maybe it will work out for me?

Sorry dear,this few days seems kinda busy for ya..
I don wanna admit it,but our distance seems to be growing..
Hmmm..I know I told me to sleep first,but I woke up again..
So i decide to read ya post..
If you have any problems,do tell me okie?
Share everything with me n we will share it together..
Hugz..I go sleep le..